Chapter Five

I couldn’t handle it anymore. I had to confess.

“I was seeing someone Jonah, how can I put it more simple terms than that?”
“I can’t believe you. I waited for you Kirsten, I love you, don’t you understand?”
“I love you too Jonah, but we rushed into this, we didn’t know what we were getting into?”
“So what does this mean? You can’t leave me, you’re mine, Kirsten, MINE.”
“I’m not a possession Jonah!! I don’t belong to you!“

I couldn’t tell if he was more angry or hurt, but I was growing tired of having the conversation.

“He doesn’t even live here, we can work it out, I know we can.” he pleaded.
“But that’s the thing, I don’t know if I want this, all we do is go through the motions, we aren’t happy, we don’t love each other!”
“I won’t let you leave me, please, we’ll fix this.”

We both just stood there, the tension between us was growing steadily. We stared at each other for a while. Wiping our tear stained cheeks. Jonah was the first to speak.

He thought if we could meld, physically, maybe we’d connect on a deeper level. I didn’t want him touching me, after so many nights of having him force his drunk self on to me, the thought of him on me made me cringe. But I agreed, after all this was my fault. My infidelity caused this. So I just closed me eyes, and went through the motions like I had been doing for so many weeks.

I lay in bed with Jonah for a while, but eventually I got up. I needed to get out of this house. Jonah followed me though.

“You’re tainted now.” he said.
“What??” 
“I said, you’re tainted. You’ve been in the arms of another man, I can’t look at you the same. I don’t know if I even want you.”
“I know I messed up, but I will not allow you to insult me!”
“I’m outta here, going to see my brother.”

I stood there, seething anger. How could Jonah be so bold? Blatantly insult me if he really loved me?

— Jonah’s POV—

It was good seeing my brother, Kyle. I guess I’ve been neglecting him after getting so caught up with Kirsten. That… I can’t even call her out her name, because I love her. But how could she betray me.

Kyle offered his advice, but it didn’t mean anything. I already made up my mind about her. She was dirty now. Another man had my woman, and I can’t love sloppy seconds. She never cared about me, or she wouldn’t have been able to hurt me in such a manner.

“You didn’t have to be so cruel” Kyle said.
“Don’t defend her, you should be on my side, you’re my brother!”
“Let’s get outta the house, you need to let off some steam”

Kyle took me to the gym. Working out did make me feel a little better, but I was still stewing over Kirsten. I know Kyle was probably tired of hearing me complain, but I didn’t care.

“You know, she’s just so selfish, she only thinks of herself”
“Mhmm”
“I should just leave, ya know? I can’t let her leave me, cheat and leave? Nah, no way”
“Ahh really?”
“Yea, I’m gonna leave, she’s going to hurt like me.”
“Hmm”
“Thanks for all the input,” I said dryly.
“No problem,” my brother laughed. He was always such a smart ass.

———————–

I cooked for Jonah that night, pancakes were his favorite. And I waited for him. He never came though. The food was getting cold, so I ate, consumed by silence. The kind of silence that pressed against your ears, and almost sounded loud. The most uncomfortable kind of silence.

I even washed the dishes that night. Jonah always complained about how messy I was. But Jonah never came home to notice my efforts. It had been almost a month. I called his brother, but he didn’t offer me any peace of mind. He hadn’t known where Jonah ran off to.

“You really hurt him” his brother told me.
“I know” were the only words I could whisper.

Weeks turned into months and I was getting sick with worry, and guilt. What if he got drunk, and crashed. What if he was incoherent, and got beat up, what if he was babbling nonsense to some buff mean guy and got murdered. Anything could have happened. I had this terrible habit of thinking up worst case scenarios in any situation, and it was making me sick.

I never slept anymore, I would sit up and read. Or do anything that distracted me from thinking about Jonah and heaps of misfortune he may or may not be in.

I cried out, in despair. “If this is life, I don’t want it anymore, I don’t want a second chance!!!!”  

I cried. I cried so hard because I didn’t know what to do anymore. It had been 3 months, and there was no word from Jonah. It was all my fault. I felt terrible and I looked it. I needed to get myself together. Hannah didn’t slave for weeks only for me to give up so easily. I had to go on, with or without Jonah.

~ by kaycieb on March 27, 2013.